GET YOUR ASSES READY!

Are you ready?

I can’t HEAR you!

Oh, right. The whole internet aspect. That does put a damper on the ‘hearing you’ thing. Well, I’ll assume that I couldn’t hear you enthusiastically say either “We’re Ready!” or “Yes!” to my now-rhetorical question, and I will ask it again, just in the hopes that you will be louder.

ARE-YOU-READY?!?!?!

Audience: Yeah! WOOO
(Some Asshole Off in the Back of the Crowd: Freebird!)

Well hold on to your asses while they get blown away by the sheer, unrelenting, highly-pressured cannon-blast of funny shot so hard and fast up your ass its like being sodomized by a jester’s baton!

Hmm… that doesn’t sound as pleasurable as I wanted the description of unequaled hilarity to sound. Sounds more rapey than I would like. Like your getting raped by comedy. I’m fairly certain doctors, police officers, and Susan B. Anthony would say that the topic of unconsenting forced sex is not a humorous one, and we all know Susan B. Anthony made the flag, (or some other womany thing.) And, much like superman or George Washington, the flag cannot tell a lie. So, using applied laws of Aristotelian Philosophical Deduction, rape is not hilarious. So, we wont rape you with humor.

However, the humor will be biting, edgy, powerful, insightful, and only pandering about 30 to 40 percent of the time. 80 percent of the time if we run out of ideas.

We will be like Gorge Carlin, Richard Pryor, or Lenny Bruce, only lacking the subtly, brlliance and over-all talent. But we will still kick a fair amount of ass. Like, ten, maybe twenty asses an hour. We will measure how great our articles are by the AKPH, or Asses Kicked Per Hour!

Anyway, brace yourself, strap yourself in, and get ready. The best humor site on earth is about to punch you in the ear!